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Intro

When I first became a manager, I made many mistakes. Not giving feedback on time was one of them. And the reason? Giving feedback felt like a daunting task and I delayed.

That resulted in some unwanted behaviors that could have been avoided by addressing them earlier. After that, I started to give feedback a lot more regularly.

Over time, I developed a habit of consistently giving feedback on every 1:1 meeting. And that has shown to be one of the most effective and important things for coaching and mentoring people in my teams.

So, yes, giving feedback plays a key role in coaching and mentoring!

To help us with how to give feedback effectively, I am happy to bring in Ali Merchant as a guest author for today’s article.

P.S. This article is written more for engineering managers in mind, but a LOT of the advice can be used no matter if you are an Architect, Senior+ Engineer, or any other similar role!

Introducing Ali Merchant

Ali Merchant has spent two decades leading teams and scaling Learning & Development departments for public companies, tech brands, and the world’s largest ad agencies.

Today, he’s the founder of All-In Manager, a leadership development firm that trains and coaches managers to become leaders. Since 2018, Ali has trained thousands of managers and coached hundreds of senior leaders worldwide.

Ali is also the author of “The All-In Manager” → a book he recently published that focuses on teaching you to become a great manager!

Today, he is kindly sharing one of the sections from the book, adapted as part of this article.

You can get the Kindle version of the book for just $1 here for a limited time!

Check out the book!

“This is FUBAR!”

That was the exact subject line in my client’s email to me. I had no idea what FUBAR meant. When I Googled it, my heart sank.

“F#@$%D up beyond all recognition.”

I was devastated. That was 20 years ago, and I still think about it.

If you’re like most engineering managers, chances are you’ve also been burned by difficult feedback in the past. Maybe it was a nasty Slack message or PR review from another engineer, an insensitive remark from your manager, or an angry coworker taking their frustration out on you.

It’s no wonder we’ve trained ourselves to avoid feedback any chance we get. We don’t feel comfortable giving it, and we dread receiving it.

But what if feedback didn’t have to feel this way? What if you had a different relationship with it?

Since 2018, I’ve taught thousands of leaders to give difficult feedback with poise and without the awkwardness.

I know I can help you too.

What is Feedback?

Before you learn how to give constructive feedback, we need to align on what feedback actually means.

“Feedback is helpful information shared timely, kindly, and clearly to influence someone’s behavior.”

That’s it.

If the thought of giving constructive feedback makes you break into a cold sweat, you’re not alone. In a survey of 7,631 managers, 44% of managers agreed that giving feedback was stressful.

I’ve asked hundreds of managers why they’re afraid of giving feedback. Here’s what they tell me:

• “I’m afraid to hurt my employees’ feelings.”

• “I don’t want my employees to feel dejected.”

• “I second guess if it’s ultimately my fault as the leader.”

• “I’m afraid of not framing it properly and having it come across wrong.”

If any of these reasons sound familiar, I have good news for you. Your employees want your feedback.

Research shows that 46% of employees say they don’t get enough feedback from their managers. But here’s the key. Employees don’t just want more feedback. They want better feedback.

Employees are tired of vague feedback that does more harm than good. They crave feedback that helps them grow and succeed. And that’s exactly what you’re going to learn today.

Constructive feedback comes in two flavors:

1. In-the-moment feedback

2. Behavioral feedback

In-the-moment feedback

In-the-moment feedback is the continuous, everyday input you share with your employees to help them improve. This feedback could be a Slack message, a comment on a doc, PR comment, or a quick 1:1 chat.

It’s important to set the expectation early with your team that you’ll provide constructive feedback regularly. (If you haven’t done this, it’s never too late to set that expectation.)

Here are some examples of in-the-moment feedback:

• “The latest release doc could use a little more detail on X. Here’s what I’m thinking… What are your thoughts?”

• “When it comes to presenting to the stakeholders, I want you to give a little more context before getting into the details. Let me know how I can help.”

• “Good presentation. I really liked how you explained the analysis. I have a quick observation on the Q&A slide. I noticed you didn’t leave a lot of time for Q&A. The client felt a bit rushed. Did you notice?”

Don’t be punitive or nitpicky, be helpful by sharing a specific observation and make it as close to the event as possible.

Behavioral feedback

Behavioral feedback is more nuanced and sensitive than in-the-moment feedback because it addresses personal behavior. The behavior could be a single incident, such as being rude in a meeting, or a pattern, such as consistently shipping late.

When it comes to giving behavioral feedback, most managers tend to shift between three roles:

• Avoiders

• Impulsives

• Responders

These aren’t fixed identities. They’re points along a feedback spectrum.

Avoiders

Instead of directly addressing their employee’s behavior, Avoiders tiptoe around it. They fear that being upfront and honest will upset their employee, so they cling to the hope that things will magically improve on their own. Even when they do give feedback, it’s often watered down or sugar-coated.

The result?

The employee keeps dropping the ball, and Avoiders quietly start to resent them. They vent to peers but rarely tackle the issue head-on with the employee.

Impulsives

Unlike Avoiders, who hesitate to say what they’re thinking, Impulsives shoot from the hip and react without thinking carefully. While their intention is pure, too often their feedback comes across as a generalization or judgment about the receiver’s character.

• “You’re always late.”

• “You need to be more professional.”

• “You always dominate the discussion.”

Clinical psychologist Nick Wignall explains why this type of feedback backfires:

“When you make generalizations about people’s character or personality as a whole, it feels like an attack. Which leads them to get defensive and you to get even more frustrated and upset…When you need to be critical, remember to focus on a person’s specific behaviors rather than traits, character, or personality.”

Responders:

Responders don’t avoid conflict nor react impulsively. They practice doing three things well:

1. They stay grounded: They manage their emotions before giving feedback.

2. They stay specific: They address the person’s behavior, not their character.

3. They stay curious: They invite dialogue, not defensiveness.

Whether you’ve been an Avoider or an Impulsive, I’m here to tell you that you can start giving feedback like a Responder. All it takes is five steps:

1. Find out if your employee is ready for your feedback.

2. Share why you’re giving them feedback.

3. Share an observation of their behavior (What?).

4. Share the impact of their behavior (So what?).

5. Create alignment and next steps (Now what?).

Now, let’s go through every step in detail next.

5-Step Process for Giving Effective Feedback

1. Find out if your employee is ready for your feedback

Just because you’re ready to give feedback doesn’t mean your employee is ready to receive it. Before you jump in, it’s a good idea to check if they’re in the right headspace.

How do you find out if your employee is ready for your feedback?

Simple: Get curious and ask them if they’re ready. Here are some questions you can try:

• “I want to talk about something that’s come up a few times. Want to take a minute now or catch up later today?”

• “I’ve got a couple of thoughts on ‘X’ that might be helpful. What’s a good time to share?”

• “There’s something I’ve been seeing that I think is worth talking about. Open to a quick chat?”

• “I’ve got some feedback that I think could help. Want to talk about it now or later?”

A quick pulse check levels the playing field between you and your employee. When you ask your employee permission before giving them sensitive behavioral feedback, it’s more likely to be received well, unlike sharing it just because the moment feels right to you.

2. Share why you’re giving them feedback

Think of your “why” as your intention behind offering feedback in the first place. Here are three examples of sharing your why before sharing your feedback.

• “I’m sharing this feedback because I would like you to see what I’m seeing.”

• “I’m sharing this feedback because I don’t want this to limit your growth.”

• “I’m sharing this feedback because I’ve noticed a blind spot and I want you to be aware of it.”

When you tell your employee why you’re giving them feedback, it signals to them that you care for them. It tells them that you’re on their side, and your intention is to help them, not hurt them. When your employees understand your intention, they’ll be more receptive to hearing your feedback.

If the feedback you’re about to give is very sensitive and the person on the receiving end tends to get defensive, I highly recommend you share why you’re giving feedback.

3. Share an observation of their behavior (What?)

Your goal in this step is to share a clear and specific observation of your employee’s behavior. That’s your ‘What?’

Avoiders and Impulsives make a crucial mistake here. Avoiders soften the message so much that the core feedback gets lost, leaving employees confused about what they need to improve. Impulsives do the opposite: they share emotionally-charged judgements. Here’s an example of what an Impulsive might say:

“Mark, you’re always late to client calls and you keep missing important deadlines. I need you to be more professional!”

While you can find some truth in this feedback, it’s also shaped by the feedback giver’s frustration. It’s overly general (“You’re always late to client calls!”) and judgmental (“Be more professional!”).

General statements like this often create misunderstandings and feelings of defensiveness between you and your employees.

Responders, in contrast, do something different. They share a behaviorally specific observation:

“Mark, I noticed you’ve been late to the last two client meetings. You’ve also missed a number of important reporting deadlines in the last month. I’m curious, what do you think is going on?”

This feedback is solely focused on Mark’s actions, not his character. It’s specific, objective, and delivered with empathy and in the spirit of helping Mark. Ending with a question encourages Mark to share his side of the story and helps the Responder discover more information.

4. Share the impact of their behavior (So what?)

Too often, busy managers leave good money on the table by sharing incomplete feedback. They describe their direct report’s behavior but don’t explain the impact of the behavior. In other words, they share the ‘What?’, but not the ‘So what?’

Here’s why I want you to avoid this mistake: If your employee doesn’t understand or agree with how their behavior impacts others, they’re unlikely to act on your feedback. They may listen to you, but might not be motivated to implement your feedback.

Here’s an example of how you can share the impact Mark’s behavior is having.

“I share this feedback because when you’re late, we need to rush through the meeting, not leaving us enough time to cover our agenda. I’m also concerned that running late and missing reporting deadlines might cause the client to question the quality of your work, which I’d hate to see happen. I know how much effort you’ve put into this account. How do you see it? Is there something I might be missing or overlooking?”

Starting today when you share the What?, practice adding So what? You’ll find your feedback will resonate better with the receiver.

5. Create alignment and next steps (Now what?)

You’ve shared Mark’s behavior (What?) and the impact (So what?). The question now is: what do you want him to do about it?

The ‘Now what?’ step encourages Mark to identify next steps to fix his challenge.

Before you ask Mark to share how he wants to solve his problem, I suggest you remind him of your expectations. Here’s an example:

“Mark, our goal is to meet client commitments on time. If you realize you’re going to miss a deadline, please flag it to me ASAP so we can find a solution.”

Once you’ve clarified your expectations, help Mark come up with specific next steps to meet your expectations.

You can do this in three ways:

1. Help Mark create next steps on his own.

2. Create next steps with Mark.

3. Tell Mark what to do.

Option 1: Help Mark create next steps on his own

Why should you ask Mark to come up with solutions instead of telling him what to do?

If Mark comes up with his own solutions, he’s more likely to hold himself accountable. Here are some questions you can ask him:

• “What can you start doing differently to make these deadlines?”

• “What can you start doing differently to show up on time?”

• “How do you think you can prevent this in the future?”

• “What steps can you take to improve?”

• “How can I help you get there?”

Option 2: Co-create next steps with Mark

There will be times where Mark might struggle to come up with next steps on his own. In that case, I want you to partner with him to co-create next steps. Here are some prompts to coach Mark:

• “What’s worked well for you in the past when managing multiple deadlines?”

• “Let’s break this down into smaller pieces. Which part feels most manageable to tackle first?”

• “What’s one small change you could implement this week that would help?”

Whether you give Mark autonomy or co-create the plan with him, the goal is to ensure he has a clear path forward to turn around his performance.

Option 3: Tell Mark what to do

If Mark’s a junior employee or struggling to come up with solutions, it’s time to shift into tell-mode. Managers get nervous when they need to tell someone what to do. They confuse telling with micromanaging. This is a limiting belief.

Sometimes, especially with less-experienced or under-performing employees, clear direction is exactly what’s needed. I don’t recommend you default to tell-mode all the time, but don’t be afraid to flex your telling muscle when the moment calls for it. Practice being direct and kind. Here’s an example:

“Mark, I want you to make sure you’re in the Zoom room five minutes early and ready to go. That way, we can start the meeting on time and stay on track.”

How to prepare before a tough conversation

One of the biggest mistakes I see busy managers make is walking into a tough feedback conversation without any preparation. They get overconfident and try to wing it. I don’t want you to make this mistake.

That’s why I’ve created a Feedback prep playbook to help you deliver difficult behavioral feedback with confidence.

Answering a few short prompts in the playbook could save you (and your employee) hours of frustration. You can access the feedback prep playbook here:

Get the feedback prep playbook!

Don’t forget to follow up after a tough conversation

I used to work with a demanding boss with high standards. He didn’t shy away from letting you know when you dropped the ball.

But he also did something most managers never do. He followed-up after a tough conversation.

“Ali, I wanted to check in with you. How are you feeling after our last conversation?”

He made it clear that he expected a lot from me, but he also made it clear that he cared about me personally.

He wasn’t trying to hurt my feelings by giving me feedback. He was trying to help me get better at my craft.

His follow-up taught me two valuable lessons:

1. Don’t avoid tough conversations with your people.

2. Follow-up after a tough conversation with your people.

Here’s the takeaway: After you share difficult feedback with your employees, make sure to follow up with them to see how they’re feeling. Trust me, they’ll appreciate the gesture and be more motivated to improve.

I know I was.

Your employee won’t change unless you do

Anytime a manager tells me they’re struggling with an employee, I ask them one question.

“How much of what you just shared with me have you shared with your employee?”

Here’s a typical response I get:

• “I haven’t.”

• “Not as clearly as I need to.”

• “Won’t they get upset if I share?”

I can relate to all of these reasons. They make good sense to me. But here’s the truth:

Your employee won’t change unless you do.

Meaning?

You need to take the first step and confront the problem your employee is having. Not talking about it isn’t an option.

When I follow up with the same managers after they’ve had a conversation, they tell me:

• “I’m relieved.”

• “I’m glad I spoke to them!”

• “I wish I had done this sooner.”

All good things start when your direct report sees what you see and you see what they see.

There’s a lesson here. Difficult conversations rarely ruin relationships. But avoiding them often does.

Last words

Special thanks to Ali for sharing his insights on this very important topic with us! Make sure to check him out on LinkedIn and also check out his book: The All-In Manager.

If you’re looking to dive deeper into how to be a great manager everyone wants to work with, this book would be a great read for you!

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